How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
