I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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