if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
