I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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