I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
