I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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