I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
