My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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