Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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