Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
