I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
