Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
