I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
