Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
