We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
