My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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