sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
