New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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