you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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