also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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