Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
