This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
