stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
