i can't believe i had my finger in that
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
