get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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