just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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