cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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