Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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