My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
