Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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