dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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