Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
