Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
