Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
