oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
