Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
