Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
this hospital has no fireball
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
