You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
