I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
