Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
