I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i now understand why vodka
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize