So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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