I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
