I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
