I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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