I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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