Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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