the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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