just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
