Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
