just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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